Friday, December 31, 2004

Cant / New Years

New Year's Eve used to be my favorite holiday. Plenty of booze and plenty of opportunities to scrape a knuckle on some shit or get the favor returned; it depended on the year.

Now that I'm a bit older and wiser, this is the most dreaded holiday of the year. People do some of the stupidest shit on this evening. It's like they've been saving it up all year. Already, I hear gunshots and on walk home from my parents house, some ingrate bounced a cigarette butt off my head from a passing vehicle.

Now I'm bunkered. Not going anywhere for the next 24 hours at least. I was planning on no human interaction of any kind. But as I was writing this post, my brother called. He's gonna come by and spend the night. The guy's not as paranoid as I am, but he does not want to be driving after midnight (me, I wouldn't get in a car today.)

He's also bringing Esther and Stella, his two 9-month old pups. They may sound cute and harmless, but they are far from harmless, while also being cute. They can take out a really big bone (there's a brand or a kind, but I don't know because I don't own dogs) in a matter of minutes. My brother figures that no matter what he buys at Petsmart, his return is a minute of peace for every dollar he spends, i.e. if he buys a $12.00 bone, it takes Esther or Stella an average of 12 minutes to devour it.

Needless to say, I am a single man who lives alone and owns a lot of guns. I've got Hoppe's and copper solvent all over the place, at levels where a 12-month old baby could access them, nevermind a couple of instinctive dogs of mass destruction. I've never drank copper solvent, but doing a bore clean with it just about sends me into la-la land so I don't want to see what it does to any living thing if ingested.

Needless to say, I have been throwing shit into my kitchen cabinets for the last forty-five minutes.

I had a post to do about cant, as the title of this post reflects, but I'll do that tomorrow, as the "ladies," as my brother refers to Cthulu invaders that he considers dogs, will be here shortly.

Happy New Years, stay safe, and follow the Geek's safety advice when it comes to berms.

Update: While all the gun chemicals were safely stowed, we found Esther with my can of Easy-Cheese in her mouth. For those of you not familiar, Easy-Cheese is some kind of plastic by-product they put in a pressurized can so you can spray your cracker with yellow cheese-tasting stuff. It is under pressure though, and a dog breach might result in canine tragedy.

I should have left the copper-solvent and pulled the Easy-Cheese.

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